Hello, I realize that you must be reeling due to my long absence from this blog, but the life of an all-knowing individual is not easy.  Regardless, I wish to shed light upon you simple individuals and grace you with yet more useful knowledge.  When you look around, there are many people in this world who smoke cigarettes.  Young and old, black and white, male and female, everybody does it (because it's the cool thing to do!).  Regardless, governments from many states are legislating against the age old art of cigarette smoking with ever increasing taxes and continued crusades to have them banned from pretty much all public spaces.  Seeing as the government exists to defend the against the rule of the enraged mob, it is easy to conclude that the government does not view smokers as people.

The first proof that smokers are not people in the eyes of the government is the government denies them rights to spaces that they pay for.  Public spaces mean that everyone is entitled to use of said space for one reason or another because everyone in a given city pays for said space.  Smokers, despite the fact that they help pay for said space, are often denied access to said places simply because they're smokers.  I suppose if the government makes smokers out to be genetic freaks, then we SHOULD shun them until they give up their freakish ways and rejoin the human race.

The second proof that smokers are not people is the government taxes them directly.  I strangely remember things such as the "Tea Tax" and the "Stamp Act" as things the Founding Fathers fought against in the Revolution.  Now, since smokers aren't people, we place direct taxes upon cigarettes (up to $2 in some states) in an effort to get these freaks to rejoin the human race.

In conclusion, the government shows its resolve to defend the rights of all people by destroying the rights of smokers (who are not people anyway).  Indeed, it could be argued that state governments spend more time crusading against tobacco freaks than improving schools and fighting crime.  So next time you see a smoker, treat him like a Jew in Nazi Germany...  You'll be doing him a favor.  Just be sure not to inhale when you're around him, they say just catching a whiff of cigarette smoke is totally lethal!  So join the crusade against the inferior smoker race because this country was founded upon the ideals of mob rule based upon the junk opinions of extremely bias scientists.

Hello everyone, is your favorite all knowing blogger here and I want to wish you all a Merry X-mas (No Jesus allowed)/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa and all other December holidays...  Oh, and a happy New Year too...  Unless you're Chinese, you have to wait until February if you're Chinese.  Regrettably, my die hard fans will have to do without new posts for the duration of the holidays as I will be back at home with my family.

In this time of festivities, it's important to remember that Jesus isn't the reason for the season...  If Jesus WAS the reason for the season, well, that would exclude Hanukkah and Kwanzaa!  I suppose this is another move from the Jesus lovers to promote hatred of other cultures!  So if you see a nativity scene on public property, SUE SUE SUE!  You're doing America a BIG favor by fighting the bigotry of Christianity.  After all, if it's one thing American history has taught us is that anything can be solved with a law suit!

Aside from promoting cultural love in the Kum Bai Yah fashion, the holidays are all about promoting the noble art of economics.  You see, just as we give all cultures equal attention during this time, we also give both economic structures their due credit!  First of all, we all buy things to promote capitalism and then we give them all away to promote communism!  Everyone wins!

In conclusion, I wish everyone a Merry X-Mas (remember, no Jesus allowed) and/or happy Hanukkah/Kwanzaa.  Go out, buy things, promote racial love and bigotry at the same time!  In other words, focus on everything that this season isn't really about!


On a less satirical note, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year....  My point is, don't forget the TRUE reason for the season and give those filthy anti-Christian liberals the finger....  But do it with holiday cheer.

    Tax day, a day of selfless glory in which American citizens humbly surrender their hard earned money to their beloved government.  It is through this selfless sacrifice to the federal government that we get such wonderful products like the Operation Iraqi Freedom, borderline socialist programs, enough bureaucracy to make baby Jesus cry, and increased salaries for our selfless congressmen.  Taxation has been the backbone of our country since it's foundations.  In fact, it's a little known truth that the Founding Fathers revolted against the British because they weren't taxed enough!  As Patrick Henry once said, "Give me liberty ridiculously high taxes, or give me death!"

    Despite all the noble sacrifice of the American people, some insidious dark beings don't want to pay taxes!  These shadowy figures with their serpent tongues trick the American people into fighting against the noble sacrifice of taxation.  In this dark hour, who can the American people turn to to make sure that their hard earned dollars go straight into the pocket of congress?  The answer is three letters: I, R, S.

    The heroic IRS fights these greedy creatures who want to keep their money to themselves!  By locking these foul beings up and destroying their lives, the IRS is making life better for all of us.  So go on, mail that tax return form with pride!  For we know that the brave and mighty IRS shall grant you their blessing and bring your money safely to the federal government where it belongs!  So when one of those foul anti-taxation creatures confront you will their twisted ideals, shun them and inform your local IRS branch!  The IRS will soon round up that vile tax evader and put him in prison forever.

God bless America and remember the IRS's motto, "Where there's a will, there's a tax!"  So go on America, give a little extra this year!  It's for the children, after all!

Dr. Ron Paul is currently a congressman from the 14th district of Texas.  Before his political career, Dr. Paul "served" his country as a flight surgeon for the United States Air Force and then became an ob/gyn doctor afterwards.  During his time in congress, Dr. Paul has never voted in favor of increasing taxes, he never voted to a non-balanced budget, and stands opposed to the socialism of socialized medicine.  Overall, Dr. Paul seems like an admirable American who didn't sell his soul during his time in politics...  But that's what he and his vile ilk WANT you to believe!  The truth is, Ron Paul is an unpatriotic baby eater who needs to be hung like a coat hanger!

The first reason why "Dr." Paul is an unpatriotic baby eater is he DARED to vote against the Patriot Act!  By fighting for our right to privacy, Ron Paul has proven himself to be aligned with the despicable terrorists and that makes him an unpatriotic baby eater!  How dare Dr. Paul agree with the privacy laws outlined in the Constitution!

The next reason why Ron Paul is an unpatriotic baby eater is he DARED to vote against Operation Iraqi Freedom.  If you disagree with President George W. Bush, you're an unpatriotic baby eating terrorist!  I think Ron Paul should be sent to Gitmo Bay with all of his terrorist buddies!  Everyone knows that Operation Iraqi Freedom is a total success and that the Bush Administration is doing a great job at handling the war!  Anyone who tells you otherwise is a big fat dummy!

Now the most foul for last!  During the South Carolina Republican debate, Ron Paul dared to suggest that the reason why terrorists hate us is because of our involvement in the Middle East rather than our indulgent lifestyle and our freedoms!  This idea should make you hiss like a cobra because we know about all those terrorist attacks that happened prior to Desert Shield/Desert Storm!

In conclusion, Dr. Paul is an unpatriotic baby eater who dares to stand up for liberty over security!  For this, Ron Paul should be forcibly removed from office and then deported to Gitmo Bay where he belongs!  If you don't believe me, ask the all knowing conservative scholars Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, and Rush Limbaugh!  These three don't know as much as me, but they sure know a lot!  Therefore, if you're a TRUE American, you must shun Ron Paul and his bid for the Presidency at all costs!  If Ron Paul wins, we shall have a country that actually FOLLOWS its own Constitution!  The Founding Fathers were total idiots anyway!  What we need is a George Bush inspired Constitution to fight terrorism and destroy the right to privacy!  If Ron Paul wins this election we will have limited government, the right to privacy, low tax rates, fiscal responsibility, and, God forbid, a foreign policy of non-intervention.  Just imagining an America with those policies makes me shudder, who in their right mind would want to live in such a nation?